I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
I told you it's awful. It looks like he was eating honey at a barbershop and tripped.
I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
gorilla chasing a banana on crotch rockets. Halloween is getting way too real
I'm just checking to make sure you don't want to go to the farmers market... This is an assumption based on the fact that you were slapped with a sandwich last night and you remained unconscious.
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I can already feel the hangover I'll be having on New Year's Day. I don't know if I'm prepared for this.
FUCK WHALES
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Honestly, you can’t tell the whole sorority he has a donkey dick and expect that no one would sleep with him after you broke up
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
I'm like a camel in the desert in a black hole I'm so thirsty.
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