i woke up under my mattress pad with him laying naked next to me and his wwjd bracelet on my nightstand.
nice, that's exactly what jesus would do.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.
you said you would race him to taco bell but you slipped in the parking lot and just laid there, crying
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Remember that girl that we found passed out in the dorm study room under a pile of money and jimmy johns wrappers? She's standing right on front of me.
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
I woke up next to a Big Mac box.. And had no sheets or clothes on. The night was a success I think.
I deserve a medal for being woke up at 6am on my day off by your mother asking where your brother is
They made Game of Thrones Oreos. Kill me.
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