I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
she just refered to her hymen as "the mrs"
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake
you were upstairs in your room looking out your window and saw him puking in your bushes outside. you then proceeded to open the window and sing Come To My Window
Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies
Stop drinking before 5
Easier said than done
She just made out with a golden retriever. I'm disgusted and turned on all at once
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
It's amazing
I want to run hundreds of miles and do a whole semesters worth of homework while flying on a unicorn and throwing endless glitter bombs
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
I had such a bad bruise on my knees from blowing him so much, he asked if he could sign it...
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