That cute girl I hooked up with last night clawed my back to hell and gave me a hickey. I look like a white trash warewolf victim
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I told him if he went to see magic mike with me I'd cover his eyes during the penis parts
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Speeding home on my break at work because I forgot to grab my Percocets that I have because getting through work sober's too hard
I fell asleep while eating jimmy johns last night and then woke up at 5am and continued to eat it
I put miralax in my rum/coke. Go hard or go home.
I yelled at him as he left "you broke up with me. You lost your blow job privileges"
I guess it's part of life. Sometimes your ex boyfriend becomes a drag queen.
Dude, what the hell where you thinking last night
Welllllll basically they were like "challenge" and I was like "accepted"
Randomize
