I slayed a troll last night at BC guess i thought i was back in college
Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship
I just almost got out my car and drop kicked this one chick over parking. Welcome to the first day of spring semester.
Pretty sure i didnt get thrown out cause why dont i have more bloody areas
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Heaven was on the 3rd floor and Hell was on the first. When the cop walked up he was confused as to who the noise complaint was for and wrote both apartments a noise violation.
Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?
But see that's the thing. I know i'm better looking than you, I just want you to be continually in a state of shock and awe that you could ever get a girlfriend this hot. You know?
Some guy just ate one of the dog treats. I have him a free beer. I love my job.
Every time I burp I plan an escape route because I'm scared I'm gonna puke on grandma
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
OH GOOD GOD THE BUFFALO WING SAUCE IS BURNING MY FUCKING CUNT. WHY THE FUCK DID I AGREE TO SPICY AND NOT MILD
I’m doing some soul searching to figure out how much of a slut I’m going to be the rest of the summer.
It's magical, I'm just dancing. It's like prom but by myself and with less clothes.
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