you left with a lisa lampanelli lookalike... i hope she was atleast funny
So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella
You were drunk enough to sled down a highway off ramp in your pajamas….
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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