you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
now there's a facebook group for all the people whose lives i've ruined
i really need to stop putting makeup on my cats..
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.
You force fed me chocolate chips and avocados for 3 hours and kept asking me about my trip to sweden when I was 4.
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
How much more is Amanda Bynes going to rip out our hearts?!?!?
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
What happened to no more shots?
It went out the window just like my dreams
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