who's fault is it that she tells me today she is only 16 because i definately met her at the bar...
I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.
this will be a night to untag.
We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.
I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
Apparently you need a permit for a flamethrower.
Bro that's the last time I try to stick my penis in a bowl of jello. I can't believe your sister ate that, did she not see my dick mold
And I just realized we will be at a strip club when the end of the world is supposed to happen. This is destiny
Why is there uncooked bacon under my bed?
You insisted on taking it to bed with you. You grabbed it out of the fridge while mumbling "If I leave this out, you fuckers are just going to ruin it."
You gotta start bringing a flask to work so you can get a head start
Possibly a very genius or very terrible idea...
Stop touching yourself.
Wtf!?!?!?! Did you install a camera???
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
