just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
You drank almost the entire bottle of everclear and wanted to walk around. I guess your best friends sister is a cop and you wanted her to arrest you like the lil wayne song.... so sorry dude.
i dont know what it was but it was definately NOT a vagina
I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just tried to eat one of my ear plugs, thinking it was a cheese curl. I need it to be break RIGHT NOW.
Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis
I asked if I could borrow some condoms. She referred to herself as "a soup kitchen for whores".
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
So the guy I hooked up with during welcome week just tried to booty call me from across the lecture hall at 9am. I don't think he gets how this works...
Nothing. Its like my body doesn't know how to function on a Saturday when its not hungover and/or still drunk.
My bail money is reserved for people I either A, think were in the right, or B, have an awesome story that leads up to needing it. Just remember that before you call me.
I'm floating on a 30mph cloud right now not giving a fuck
The married guy I've been fucking broke it off because I'm not a trump supporter and don't share his "traditional values".
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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