I am drinking ovaltine with peppermint schnapps. My childhood could have been so much better.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
There's a fried egg and an empty bottle of reddiwhip in the parking lot. Did you have fun last night?
Bro, he broke his neck diving into a kiddy pool.
I did sing regulators with a random black dude at The Rail without looking at the screen, hugged him and walked off stage. I pretty much live up to all expectations.
I specifically remember rubbing my eyes thinking I could definitely go blind and I really like came to terms with it I was like ok my other senses will develop this is fine
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
I've never been to an orgy, but I would assume nachos wouldn't be out of the question at one.
Should we make a shared Google doc list of places we want to fuck? Like a scavenger hunt?
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
Randomize
