break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
Lesson learned: don't hide your vodka in your little brothers toy box.
And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
Dad was on the deck drinking straight bourbon. He stopped, puked on his feet, and then continued drinking and talking about compound interest.
Fuck you fireball...just straight up fuck out of here
He tried to break dance on the island in the kitchen and ended up knocking over everyone's alcohol onto the floor then yelled "GUCCI" before vomiting
Pretty sure I scared her away last night by putting a vodka tampon in my ass
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
Randomize
