I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?
Half my face is frozen, my vagina is broken, I'm wearing only gym shorts eating a plate of mashed potatoes, avatar is on my tv. There's a naked guy on my couch whose name idk. I needa talk to you asap
My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles
Crazy fun. I think I got a concussion from a stripper
And we're now at 8 people from the office coming to my desk to ask me "do you feel better?".
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
I'm surprised I didn't lose anything last night. Except maybe my dignity but other than that we gucci.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
