How do I recover from singing "your body is a wonderland" on his voicemail?
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
Now that I'm single, I like to think of myself as in a relationship with Taco Bell.
Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.
As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
And the view of you in reverse cowgirl is arguably the most spectacular view ever... And I've seen the Eiffle tower, the colosseum, mountains of Hawaii, Michaelangelo's David, and the Mona Goddamn Lisa. Just saying.
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
Today's hangover is brought to us by Sailor Jerry's and your dedication to my alcoholism.
dude. that's the chick that BIT MY DICK. it doesn't matter how hot you think she is, trust me man.
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