I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
Just because I tried to backhand you with a fist full of cash does not make me violent
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
One public bathroom does not equal a wedding vow
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
For a second I thought he was going to give me an intervention
You can't give interventions in a bar!
These freshmen are fun! The redhead wants to practice her blowjob skills with me and let me rate different moves!
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