I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I seriously just caught my Pina colada from falling of a table perfectly facing up. I will now reward myself by finishing this one and then getting my 8th
There is always the bar, but 2 30 on a Tuesday just screams alcoholism
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
Randomize
