I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.
I just spewed blue gatorade in the shower. It looked like the ocean.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing
What made this night legendary was getting pulled over for looking suspicious while wearing an iron man mask
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
Just because you have put things in my vagina does not mean you know me
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
That guy I hooked up with in new york last 2 statuses are "I'm going to be a father, it's a girl" then "wow syphilis sure does burn" I'm legit scared... What has my life come to.
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
my personal favorite... An "I'm sorry you broke your finger and cant play sports for awhile" blowjob!
Randomize
