Say "Steve Buscemi is hot." with a straight face.
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.
besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer
i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.
I just noticed my teeth are no longer straight. Wondering if anyone had an explanation.
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
I think I'm the only sober person in the whole bar. If you count drinking less than 10 tequilas sober.
You should make a checklist to ensure they are quality material. Here's mine: wearing shoes, not drunk, very hot, has teeth, speaks english. You never know
You got Broadway Drunk, dude. I haven't heard you sing "Music Of The Night" like that since the last time I was holding you up on the way to the subway at two in the morning.
That moment when your whole family facetimed you just moments before you threw up all over the entire living room
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
Reasonably certain my seventh grade teacher is encouraging me to drop acid on twitter
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
For a second I thought that you were becoming a decent person again. I am glad I was wrong.
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