You know what, matt, a girl is not really that interested in a relationship if she goes down on you the first time she meets you
Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Just found out my ex boss was running a whore house in the bar. Time to remove her as a reference?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.
You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.
We'll find out our level of friendship after tonight. You'll be helping me move a body. My body.
Is it frowned upon to bring a flask to the er?
So hungover im counting my own breaths to make sure im not dead. The odds hurt.
This late night dumpster diving sesh is making my quads cramp up
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
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