so i used to love airports for the escalators... now its the bars... then the escalators after the bars
that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
She said you told her you were ready to be a dad. We just got back from our purchase of the morning after pill. That took me 2 hours of convincing. No more fucking my sister.
1. Thanks. 2. No.
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
