I'm playing musical beds - it's not very fun
Great date with Damon, but I'm not sure if telling him I like lesbian porn is a good second date discussion.
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
Things I have that belong to you: shorts, headband, bra, purse, chinese food, vodka, and blood on my jeans. Happy homecoming.
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
We are finally out of the honeymoon stage of the relationship because it turns out that you can't come back from peeing on me in your sleep.
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
My mom is currently out with her lesbian friends and I'm home alone drunk listening to the Les Miserables soundtrack. WHY DO I FEEL THE NEED TO COMPETE WITH HER?
Do they make liter beers?
They make 40s
Do they make 2 liter beers
They make 2 40s
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My boss and I ended up at the same strip club. We both got lap dances while talking about work.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
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