I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
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You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
You have to understand, this is the first time I'm looking at a whopper sober.
I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together
How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?
I just walked past a woman in the bar stroking a mans crotch, yelling 'I made this. I made this happen.'
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I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
I just squirted in your honor. It's like pouring one out for the beautiful sex partnership that could have been
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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