I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
I hooked up with a Michael Jackson impersonator last night. Too soon?
walk of shame with early morning football tailgaters. niice.
And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I drank gravy. I actually drank gravy. This is heaven.
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Ugh contemplating vodka and chocolate protein powder as this Capri sun and vodka isn't really cutting it
I've never heard "I will drown your mother in vanilla pudding" as an insult before, and then last night happened.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
Can we just take a minute to acknowledge that you're drinking with your gay ex boyfriend's DAD who is a DEACON??
Randomize
