dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.
This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
They gave me patron and potatoes I couldn't say no
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
Randomize
