rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
If he comes back to you and I'm left alone in lonelytown I'm totally going to poo on your car.
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
all the sharp corners in my house are covered with litter foam blocks. al set for partying
I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas
we should probably just go check in at the police station right now
Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.
I can dream in two languages, but it's still about ripping a bong.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
I just saw a girl on the phone crying and eating a sandwich. Thats talent right there.
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Randomize
