he invited me to an all week drinking party at his house. apparently he knows the key to my heart is booze shaped.
similar to the time we made up the game of screaming at the top of our lungs any time a guy any of us slept with walked into the party. that went over SO well.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".
I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.
Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
How do I politely say my vagina is not a chew toy and if you bite me again I will slap you?
You could say take it easy, whoa there, be gentle, anything that doesn't fully convey the horror.
I dont think getting to 3rd base with a girl you barely know is the type of memory they had in mind when they named the park "memorial park"
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Got done with class, now I'm buying MD 2020 with the ex. Sure feels like college.
All I'm saying is that if he knows his wife walks around naked during the day, he shouldn't bring a friend home for lunch and show up unannounced.
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
Went to waffle house after dropping my sister off at school and got into a heated argument with a drunk/hungover philosophy professor I will not name. I won the argument.
Randomize
