R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?
You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away
NO. FUCK YOU. I HOPE SOMEONE REPLACES YOUR LUBE WITH HOT SAUCE.
Is it weird to befriend your older alcoholic landlords?
Tomorrow has nothing to do with the threesome
I am the one with the vagina. I get to call it.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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