guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
i just wanna get shit faced and pass out in some random holly bush with a bucket on my head and stockings for shoes.
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If we can put a man on the moon, I'm sure we can turn a pringles can into a bong.
Where the condoms are as broken as my dreams
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
If your night didn't end with writing a witness report for the cops at a shwarma place, your night was probably less interesting than mine.
you made a mix containing mostly whiskey. then you took a sip, gagged and yelled "perfect!"
Started my day with puking in a trash can.... Its gonna be a beautiful day
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
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