Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
Well she started to strip and when she slung her hair at me, she painted my face with sweat. A LOT OF SWEAT. It was a weird boner.
Prepare for massive TMI but anyway long story short I have a Swiss flag band-aid across my balls.
What a patriot you are. How'd it happen?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
Holy fuck where did this cat tattoo on my ass come from
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
Would I be crazy if I drove 1,000 miles for some dick? What mile does it become ridiculous?
He yelled "CARLI LLOYD" and then kicked the cake off the table. Soccer is making monsters out of us.
You ever feel like just rubbing your face in everything like a dog?
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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