Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.
Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??
I applaud your efforts, but I have to say it was the bear we encountered that ultimately shut down the entire operation
If I could run through a field of Reece's and Oreos, dive off a milkfall into a bowl of cereal. My Life would complete.
I just sent an "I'm sorry I forged a prescription in your name" email. It was one of the more awkward things I've done this week.
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I HAVE PIZZA MONEY AT ALL TIMES IT'S CALL EMERGENCY PLANNING
Updates: Made out with a teletubby last night in the middle of the street #lifegoals
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
Randomize
