I like to think it a success when the cops are called
i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
So, just so you know... Your vasectomy worked.
bonus
halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.
All I want is to send a text that says "i slept with someone while wearing nothing but purple argyle socks this weekend." But the only person i would send that to is you. But you already know. Because they were your socks.
also I woke up naked and covered in water but nobody can explain that part.
I just remembered that last night I ate nachos off of someone else's table with a stranger
Buy Actually if the police need to find my body I'm on an air mattress in an apartment near a McDonald's that's all I see out dat Window
Sometimes at I wake up from a dead sleep at 1am and call the bar just to hear the clink of the glasses and the pouring of the beer on tap in the backround
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
He fucked me harder than I've ever been fucked before and afterwards he started crying and profusely apologizing to god and baby Jesus for his sin.
Randomize
