I wish I could punch you in the face.
Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.
I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version
Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
asked the girl next to us on line to take a picture of us and she shared her bacardi. i love white people.
I offered you a bag but you said "I gotta break in the new carpet" and you puked all over the floor
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
And on the first day of my adult job, I matched with one of my co workers on tinder...
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
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