Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
he looks like a really good dad on facebook
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
Dude, the chicks a procotolgy intern. Don't cheat on her. She knows where it hurts the most.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
So I'm thinking about sending him some "sorry I almost peed on your computer" cookies. Thoughts?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I fell into a police barricade, a cop helped me up and asked if I've been drinking. I just looked at him and said "dude.." He proceeded to take out his handcuffs
There is sex in the air. Be careful where you walk.
Randomize
