Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
is it wrong that I want a "Where The Wild Things Are" tshirt that points to my junk?
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
sending him nudies in gran's hospital bathroom. you?
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
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