you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
Our friendship would be less complicated if your dad didn't think I was forcing you into having gay sex with me
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
He may be 6' 6" but I'm 180 lbs of pure rage and determination
He tried to kiss me in the middle of hooking up... it was a deal breaker. I got off him and left.
So making out with chicks at the bar is fine and dandy, but your booty call can't kiss you? You have the strangest fucking rules...
Twas still the Saturday before Christmas \nAnd it’s still fucking snowing\nAnd Steve wished he slowed down \nOn all the fucking drinking
Im 76 percent sure I took a fully clothed shower last night.
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