1:57 a.m. Where did you go???
1:58 a.m. What are you doing? I want to go home with you, why aren't you responding?
2:11 a.m. Heading back to your place now, will you let me in?
Uh i was pretty wasted sat, so if i was weird it wasnt me. It was just vodka bein weird w my phone
Tonite tequila might call you
Be prepared
Why does Corona taste like a burp?
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
Why do you think it's a no-pants party?
Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
Reports of my death were greatly exaggerated.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
There were containers of weed in the piñata. How much more Colorado does it get
Listen, I bought the coke that got us those free drinks, okay? Show some respect.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
Randomize
