I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
1 stripper is 160/hr. 2 strippers is 280/hr. it would be fiscaly irresponsible to only get one.
I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...
You were chewing up hot dogs and spitting them out
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Got into Princeton. So excited about the mommy-issue-over-achieving-cock I get to ride the next 4 years!!!
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
My dog got laid yesterday. Some lady came over with her husky to breed. He did it like a champ. I was so proud
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
The time stamp on this text message is reason enough alone to not leave me unsupervised
We fucked like animals on that lion king beanbag chair that your mom got you for your 10th bday
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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