I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
SEEEEXXX PLEASE
cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
her body is proportioned like a family guy character
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
Can't find our DD
He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
Next time we smoke please remind me to put my bong back in my build a bear box. My mom says if I leave it out one more time she's keeping it for herself.
Used my power pack to charge my vibrator so I didn't have to unplug my switch or my galaxy lamp. TECHNOLOGY!
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