I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
I hope Team Snapchat has been enjoying our sex snaps all this week.
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
