I was in the bathroom and her cat just looked at my penis with a profound hatred.
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
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She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
How am I suppose to fully love you when you cant even open up and try to fulfill my midget fantasy
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
Ramen still too hot to eat. Eating it anyway. Stoner girls feel no pain
I quit life. I got pulled over on my way to work and they towed my car and dropped me off at work in a cop car
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
DO NOT PREHEAT THE OVEN THIS MORNING! WE STARTED USING IT AS A WINE STASH AROUND MIDNIGHT.
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