i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
i'm all for saving the environment, but when we get into the shower to fuck, he shouldn't flip his shower hourglass timer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born
This is breast cancer awareness month... The least we can do is give a stripper some singles.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
So we were having sex and his roommate walks in eating a bag of chips. Then proceeds to talk to us about his bitch of a professor.
Did he at least offer you guys chips?
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Omfg 7 hour sex session who am I?
PS: I think I'm in love
Ability to walk tomorrow tbd
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
