I wanna crawl in your skin and have dreams about Bobby Kennedy tonight.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
The guy at the door just stared only at my boobs and said "I'm gonna let you in." 'Merica
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
I just had a mental image of us riding a tractor through hell with one of those big guns mounted on top of it shooting at everyone while the indiana jones music plays.
Had to snap chat three different people to ask who left the bite mark on my thigh. All three said "Wasn't me". Now I can't wear a bathing suit to my mom's pool.
Single lady's Saturday night: eat doritos, masturbate, eat more doritos. Do shot of Jager. Repeat until desired result is achieved.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
I let my daughters ex boyfriend take me home from the bar. Hey, at least he's old enough to drink
Such a shame we didn't work out. We would've been a power couple producing NFL linemen :/
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
I think my roomie is silently judging me for spraining my foot by having sex in a bounce house
so the bounce house and tequila was good idea then?
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