Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
I woke up on the side of the highway to the ppl in orange jumpsuits cleaning to comunity service. Not sure which freaked them out more... Finding a dead b ody or me not being dead
We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for
Umm you met him three days ago....
I said what I said
Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
I only know two things that kitchen floors are good for... sex and quesadillas that got dropped. You know, the five second rule
You know, having a conversation evolve from attractive men to roommate orgies would be weird with anyone else, but you get me.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I fell asleep masterbating while watching family guy... This is what happens when girl's night gets canceled
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
I didn't pay $79 for lingerie for you to cum in 30 seconds
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
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