I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
There was jim beam in your oven. I just preheated it.
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
If I banged a coworker last night but didn't enjoy it can I put it down on my timesheet?
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
I'm hungover in the park, and some guy just handed me a business card for his church. I can feel Jesus' disapproval running through my fingertips
Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
Omg no. We ate a raw pumpkin last nighr. We dipped it in BBQ sauce.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
I never thought people would keep their guns next to their fake plastic penises, but there they were.
I don't remember much, but I remember he called me the dick whisperer, so it must not have been all bad.
A relationship is waiting for him to fall asleep so you can cum (finally!) while watching porn
At this point, I would not mind getting hit by a truck. It would mean I could get this over with quicker.
Randomize
