im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room
I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.
All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
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I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
I just Tebowed the shit out of her.
Nice and you can't use "Tebow" in the place of every verb.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
I woke up in a strange bathroom. Was I blonde when you left me last night?
He also has scotch. LOTS AND LOTS of scotch. I think you'd like him!
That is always a wonderful personality trait!
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Also I'm proud of us for having an educational conversation in this group text.
My plan for the weekend: 1) Get shit faced in Vegas. 2) Not die
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
At 3:00am my whole house started smelling like cooking meat. I have no idea why she thought it was a good idea to crock-pot a WHOLE turkey that early in the morning.
Here when you come to your senses come back here and I'll fuck you back out of them.
i've hit rock bottom. Eating pringles and playing taylor swift on guitar in my underwear at 11am on a wedensday morning. Sober.
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