I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.
Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Any idea who the guy in my bed tagged as rattlesnake dick might be?
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.
Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
I just had the most intense bikini wax of my life, i felt like i needed guardrails
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
I mean, you've had my nipples in your mouth now, so I think we've reached a certain level of friendship.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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