Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time
I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating
He made me a "booty call of the year" award.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
He deadlifted me and I came just a little at the apex
He told me I look like a librarian today. I hope that means he has a librarian fetish or something
Disregard. He says he said I look "agrarian" today and just proceeded to compare me to Mumford and Sons. Fuck it, I'm going home and drinking
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
I was taking this cougar home in the middle of the night I walked across the hall all naked to take a piss and ran into to some chick from highschool she said no way you are fucking my mom ran into her moms room and started yelling at her
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
Randomize
