Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.
you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?
I just took a shit with a lightsaber in my hand. Dreams fulfilled.
I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
May or may not have just lost a contact hanging out Anthony's sunroof. Drunk. Hint: I can only see out of one eye right now.
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I can give you five reasons its your baby
and I can give you 10 reasons it's not, but I'm busy so I'll just go with you have the wrong number. And also I'm a straight girl.
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
sometimes i forget what nice tits i have and then i spend a month brushing my teeth naked in the front of the bathroom mirror, and i remember.
Randomize
