I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.
From the guy that lifted you into a fan I'm sorry
Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday
I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.
The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I just fist bumped God in my head for last night. What a bro.
the conference was great. we had to hide the acid in a planter in front of the department of agriculture though
I knew I'd like her from the moment she supported me messing around with my co-worker on my lunch break
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
Let go out that Thursday night!
Yess sounds good, I have to go turn myself in the next day because what happened last Friday.
It's just really funny to hear them talk about March for Life when literally every single one of those girls has had an abortion
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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