I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties
He brought Stephanie home from the black light party. Apparently he has night vision beer goggles
i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
I just made out with Ricky Ullman of Phil of the Future fame and I don't know what I'm doing anymore. Help.
fyi, pepper spray hurts. whoever comes up with the best backstory wins a prize.
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Cause I know you wanna ride the D like a Vespa in ROMAN HOLIDAY
After my shift today I'm going on a bender. Not saying this so you'll stop me, just a heads up to invest in Tylenol, Gatorade, and Jack
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I just got to my parents hungover as hell. My dad could tell and said "theres only one cure for a hangover" and handed me a beer. This morning went from a 0 to 10 in an instant.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
Randomize
