I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me
What? You're not speaking real words.
Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either
It'd be like medium rare by now.
I love how we're talking about your vagina like it's a piece of meat.
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
I'm gonna cougar town the shit out of that prom.
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
Just had an oven catch fire while I was balls deep. Fire department came, I did not.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Just got caught by my boss looking at porn on the work computer & he decided to utilize this time to look with me. Not sure if this is good or bad.
Yes we can sext. I'm taking my socks off.
Last night you broke a mirror, and then rolled around in the glass shards. Miraculously, there's not a scratch on you...
omg girl... i cut your hair last night. tell me it looks okay!? i saw hair on the counter and i said ohhh nooo
i havent showered for 4 days and i just made my dog smell my arm pit. also, im stoned.
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