Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
Its all fun and games until someone grabs the electrical fence.
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."
Wear whatever you want, I'm wearing ass-less chaps and a sombrero
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
It was literally 8 o'clock in the morning. His horniness knows no bounds.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
How does fucking Canada get Justin Good Guy Take Me Now, Just Fuck Me In The House of Commons Trudeau, and our new President looks like he bathes in cheetoh dust and sin?
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
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