You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.
I just puked while everyone was releasing balloons. Im to hungover for this memoial service. Rest in peace great gramps.
Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
at one point, you reached into your purse, pulled out a tampon, and proceeded to rub it on your lips like chapstick... that drunk
Now I have the opportunity to have Chris Pratt or Channing Tatum?!? What a time to be alive.
It's not my fault I make her feel like a Taylor Swift album
That was fun and all, but let's never have sex on a ladder ever again.
Randomize
