I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
well he showed me a naked baby picture and i was right it hasn't grown
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
As she was leaving she said "You have an awesome penis, I hope to use it again soon" I need that on a business card to hand out at the bar
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
So tomorrow I have my performance review with my boss who I banged. When I go in should I ask if this review will be rating my sex or work performance?
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Adderal can only make me focus so much. Your ass is stronger than my medicine. Congratulations.
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
I will literally have glitter in my crotch for weeks.
The people above me are fucking to Miley Cyrus
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