nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
So I ripped my crotchless fishnet body suit when my drunk ass tried to crawl through the crotch to put it on.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
It was big, black, and had a smiley face tattooed on it. It was the perfect penis.
Lord give me the strength to not check my tinder messages at my grandmother's wake.
He left me alone in a hotel room my last night in town to go home to jerk off and watch TV. So yeah, I guess we're not really friends.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You don't need yoga. You need a boyfriend! Trust me I've become all sorts of flexible this past year.
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