There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.
just read twilight to her over the phone, while in the bathtub, candlelight...i'd love to say no homo but that was so gay.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?
I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
When I'm drunk I really like to hold dicks. Like, affectionately.
I feel like I could get pregnant watching Zac Efron do yard work in this movie
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
I just woke up in the closet wearing nothing but a Santa hat.
Randomize
