she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.
I didn't plan on sleeping with him until he told me his mom is deaf.. Then I felt bad.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.
They should have to wear some identification that warns you to stay away. Like one of those cones dogs wear to keep them from biting stitches. CONE OF SHAME.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
Being drunk is way better. Seriously, I just licked your brother to make sure my spit was actually real.
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
I just shotgunned a beer and my lipstic didnt BUDGE. MERICUHH
I downloaded the presidential playlists for offline listening. And Obama made a night one so we have presidential approved fuck jamzzzzz. Thanks Obama!
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Did you throw up out the back door and cover it with paper towels?
The more drunk I get the more I want to steal a lamb
What would be the possible repercussions of lamb theft
Randomize
