Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?
until you tell me otherwise ill assume we're playing "cavity search" the homeland security game to spice up our sex life
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.
Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.
i ordered 6 shots "to go" what did you think was going to happen!
If I had really thought it through, I would have bought some Depends, popped one on and made this night my bitch.
It was his birthday this weekend. I had to carry him 6 blocks, in 3 inch heels. The entire time he was trying to molest me, eat my face, and try to stop every two feet to tie his shoe. He would light a cigarette, forget about it, almost burn everyone, throw it out, then decide he wanted to smoke. He kept repeating that he trusts me with his life.
...Wow...
I could be a kindergarten teacher
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
What is my life coming to that I have to cross state lines to get laid?
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I moved to this city Tuesday and got laid Saturday. Still got it.
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
Randomize
