I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
I was scoping hash out of our weed jar with a spoon and I realized we need to buy actual utensils. This plastic shit is killing me I've broke 3 spoons
Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
I was just lying down, dumping goldfish into my mouth and they like all came out I thought I was going to choke and die and people would be like damn that's so sad, she died laying in bed stuffing her face and reading kanye wests twitter, damn.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
He came so fast i dont think he got it all the way in. He apologized and gave me his favorite baseball card.
Randomize
