Call me so I can make it juicy for ya
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism
He's blaming gravity for his problems right now, so put that in perspective
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
I felt that there wouldn't be enough planB and forgiveness to go around
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
No no this isn't that fun. I'm alone drinking wine and me and the dogs ran out of things to talk about around 9 am.
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
I'm shotgunning a meatball sub and watching flip or flop. i have reached a new level of singledom.
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
Randomize
