I saw his package. It spoke to me.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.
I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.
she's drunk at 2 in the afternoon again. at least my mother is predictable.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
I set up her keyboard so that no matter what she does, it will open up RedTube. Click and command Q all you like, its going to porn. No I play the waiting game
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
She said she wouldn't get out of hand. When the cops showed up she jumped off the 4ft high porch and fell into a ditch. She then buried herself because she was wearing light pants and though the light from the cops flashlights would reflect off her pants. We couldn't find her for 40 minutes.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
Do you recall asking me to zip line through your wedding dressed as a bleeding angel?
Randomize
