life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
i mean really, i cant compete with a cucumber
I don't think requesting him as a BBM contact is proper protocol following vomming in his bed.
and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
The trees feel like magic. Come fly to taco bell with me.
no joke- she just sprinkled parmesan cheese into her champagne and slurred "I just need a little snack"
I think you're my mermaid sister. Separated at birth, by sea.
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
Three times. Three times I left home yesterday in search for sex, and three times I returned un-orgasmed.
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
