i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
I haven't even gone in yet. I'm sitting in the waiting room playing a game i like to call "Who else is here for AA".
I would give up sex for lent, but I think Jesus would understand that I went too long without it to go back now.
Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
So we just smoked a bowl, out of an antler, with this old dude, while standing at the bar. Dude just walked up and said we were in his spot, just began packing it and handing it around...
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
Probably not. Getting pulled over and puking my guts out on the side of the road in front of the cop and him making fun of me, was not my finest moment. Plus I lost my debit card.
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
