This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?
I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...
I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?
Its called bad cop laid cop.
He brought wine and beer. I'll put my pants on for wine and beer.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
Dude if her licking my face hammered isn't love I don't really want to know what love is.
Thats Poetry
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... So sensitive...
either I'm really high or that last bong rip tasted like christmas
we were running around the halls trying to bloodhound search out the source of the weed smell, but we ran into six other people doing the same thing, and they all said they assumed it was us.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Her mom Is so hot that when she was bending over i just zoned out starin at her ass her dad slapped me on the back an said let me tell you son everything you see here is mine and you had better realize i felt like simba
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